I have just a little trouble understanding this term. Maybe some of you can help me out. Here's what happens to me with a certain person and I wonder if they would qualify as 'passive aggressive', and I wonder what motivates people to be this way.

The dynamic between me and this person has always been this way. They do something to upset me or hurt my feelings, to the point of making me cry. I usually just keep it to myself to avoid an 'argument' b/c if I say something, that person will say 'why do you want to argue?' and start arguing, as if I have provoked it. Nevermind my hurt feelings. When I do say something like 'that hurt me deeply, why do you do that?' they'll accuse me of wanting to 'start something' - they'll say something like 'Why are you wanting to cause a problem? you're the one making a thing out of it'. HELLO? I don't get this. If you hurt me and I tell you, in a non-acustary way - then why would you accuse me of wanting to start an argument?

I find this very manipulatory and cruel. They know how to play on my feelings, they like to make me feel guilty. Is this passive aggression? What motivates a person to do that? Anger? Resentment? WHAT - I don't get it folks!

Is it passive aggression when you tell someone 'it hurts my feelings when you do this (or that or whatever)', and the person continues to do it over and over?

Wow, it doesn't sound like there is anything "passive" about this person. They do seem cruel. I have to deal with a toxic personality from time to time. I would prefer to avoid them at all costs. If I must be around this person and they say or do something that is mean spirited, I just look at them directly and then politely excuse myself. I do not give them a chance to egg me on into more discussion. They thrive on your reaction.

That doesn't sound to me like classic passive aggressive behavior. It sounds more like abusive/manipulative behavior. The classic example of that is the physically abusive male who says "Why do you make me so mad that I have to hit you?" (NOT THAT I think that this happens with you--just an example!) However, I could be wrong. The Wikipedia article isn't half bad on this. It lists numerous passive aggressive traits:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

All that aside, this sounds like a person with whom I would not want to deal for too much longer, were I you. Good luck, Dax.

a passive aggressive person is a ANGRY person. You can be angry for many reasons what sets these types apart is the fact that they do not have the guts to tell you outright they are angry at you - they go sideways- just incase you get angry at them back and make them upset and scared.
So it will go like "oh, I did not mean that , YOU took that the wrong way - I did not say that , that is what YOU think or YOU are angry at me etc, etc, and its YOU that ends up being the bitch / nasty one . Not them. STING - got you. They can crawl away very smug and they have, in their stupid mind "had a go at you, got you back and showed their anger at you". But, they haven't have they ? So, they usually do it again . It would be better if they "sucked it up" and told you off clearly and honestly and stood by to listen to your side and your angry(Maybe? Maybe not) reply. Nuh, they are too scared for that so they strike sideways.
Its frustrating all round for you and them and a bloody time waster if you ask me.
Do not fall for it - answer the question with a question and don't feel guilty.Example "NO, I am not saying that, No I am not angry at you - why DO you say that Of ME?????" Right back at you.
One of two things will happen, they will leave off as they know you are on to them or they will ramp it up. Don't fall for the guilty bit (their anger trade off) keep answering a question for a question. You might get them to explode and then you will find out their motivation.
Stay positive and stay firm! They are more scared of you!

it sounds more like projection - they are projecting their anger onto you and making you responsible for their feelings - or they have hidden hostility - they make a mean insulting remark to you, and then if you get angry, they say, "Oh, I was only joking, I didn't mean it."
It's not exactly passive-aggressive. Passive-Aggressive more like the person has subconscious anger and instead of coming out and saying no to something they don't want to do, they smile and say yes, but then they are so late, so forgetful or so inept at what they are suposed to have agreed to, that they don't really get the job done - but it's never a direct NO, it's an "Oh, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot I was supposed to help you yesterday." Adults develop this coping mechanism as children with domineering or abusive parents as a way to seem to comply and avoid punishment, but then assert their own will - they just do it in a passive, indirect way.

This is very insightful - thanks so much for your responses, I can always count on POL :-)

I thought passive aggressive, was something like this:

You ask someone to do something. They say they will (or don't answer) but never do it.

They never intended to do it, but wouldn't come out and say it, but by actions they get their way (usually every time.)

Deme, you nailed it.

All I know is that when dh asks me a question in a certain tone, that he knows the answer to--I call that passive-aggressive. He's trying to make a point, but being very and maddeningly, indirect about it.

I would love to answer this post, but maybe later.

I once heard passive - aggressive described as this: "A butterfly with teeth."

When someone takes subtle digs, or subtly baits someone else, that's passive aggressive behavior. They tend to play the victim, often drumming up sympathy from others, especially if they play their game with someone who tends to be a little more 'in your face' aggressive. They play the 'poor me, look how they're picking on me' role to the hilt.

The PA personality will not, for example, want to go to your mother's house on Sunday. But he will laze around the house as if he was on vacation all morning - take an extra long shower - iron a shirt (!) - have one more cup of coffee and notice something fascinating in the Sunday paper he just HAS to read right now - call HIS mother about something 'important' and chatter away while you are waiting waiting waiting, ready to go - stop to get gas and clean the windshield - and so you pull into your mom's driveway an hour or more late...

A classic example I endured years ago: I wanted, on a beautiful summer evening, to go take a nice long walk in the park and burn off some energy. The PA tore himself away from the recliner in front of the TV and after futzing around for an hour, we drove to the park. Where he walked, purposely, at a snail's pace, for about 10 minutes until I was so furious I said, go sit on a bench and wait for me, I'll take my walk myself (in the now near-dark). I did and returned, just furious. What do I get but, 'so what's YOUR problem, YOU wanted to go to the park, and we did!' Yeah, I guess we did, thanks for coming along, a**h*le.

*snort*