I've decided I'm tired of living alone. I've done it for a good chunk of my adult life. I'd like to be married by next year.

What I've found is that people who decide that they want something generally absorb that intention so that it subtly infuses their life with a focus. I'm not talking about desparate people on a mission. I'm referring more to those who know what they want, and manage to arrive at their destination.

Versus people like me, who generally float along, hoping something acceptable will float by within reach and "stick."

So... how does a reasonably attractive, aging, loving, smart, funny, mellow but sometimes opinionated (as we tend to get as time goes on), gal go about finding someone appreciative, attractive, and stable enough to marry?

It's been mentioned before, on this thread and in real life, that if you "go out and follow your interests," prince charming will magically appear. Ahem. I think that works sometimes, but it sure as hell ain't surefire.

Picture this scenario: Going out for a hike with a singles group. Who do I attract? Either the weird old guy who just wants to get his jollies off, or the too-young guy who thinks that "older woman" means... well, he just wants a variation of what the weird old guy wants, with some mommying thrown in to boot.

It's tough being my age.

When I was in my twenties and thirties, it was a different story. Lots of suitable guys. But now?

Ah, and... there's the post-menopause factor. It makes one much less inclined to be Geisha-like, if you get my drift.

I'd love to think that I could take care of myself for the rest of my life, financially speaking. But I know it isn't possible. My task is to find someone and marry him, without feeling trapped. Someone whom I could love the way he deserves to be loved, and someone who loves me the way I deserve to be.

I know you ladies and gents will have lots to say on this topic...

Er ... rotsa ruck!

No kidding! I may have to move. Silicon valley males want trophy wives or sports bunnies. I'm undereducated for the former, too old for the latter.

I confess I was always very naive in this area...in my 20's I wanted "trophy" men (looks wise) and in my 30's I started realizing it mattered how they treat you (I was a late bloomer that way). I also never imagined I couldn't take care of myself, even though at the time, I had no college degree (man, I was silly). I did look forward to marriage and sharing a life with someone, but more for love/companionship/sharing and never cared what they did for a living or financial stuff---tho I didn't want someone was totally clueless--like gambling, etc..
I agree, in my 20's and about 31, I could just blink and have any guy in a room....granted they were often shallow men, but I could have any one of them. Fast forward to 33 and coming back from a 4 month stint in France and much to my surprise, less looks, less selection...... AT THIRTY THREE!!

I will say that tho I wanted to share a life with someone, I never worried about "being alone" and all that that meant, so in that regard, as you say, I had no desperation looming.

I spotted my now-DH at work and when I passed him in the hall, he just oozed kindness. I followed up asking those that knew him what he was like and if he was single...and then I asked him out. When I realized how much older he was than I (I had no clue as he looks very good for his age), I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I proposed a purely sexual relationship.
When I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, I let him know....then when I was ready and knew, I asked him to marry me.
Was it the romantic "sweep me off my feet" I had imagined as a small girl? No. Am I happy 98.9% of the time...ELATED!

I think the motto of this story is to feel OK about asking guys out and asking for what you need. Believe me, if they don't want it, they will let you know. Feelings can be tender, but better than sitting on the side-lines and waiting. Just my humble opinion.

by the way, I'd kill to look like you. I've seen you post your pix and trust me, you should have ZERO issues finding someone who can appreciate you!

I say, take up a hobby that fills a lot of your time and diverts your focus, but get 'out there' and socialize regularly, just in case. You don't want to miss an opportunity. And as Fulltilt says, "Rotsa ruck!" :-)

uh....................You tell me and we'll both know.

I haven't a clue. When you figure it out, please let me know. :)

Unlike many here, I've always been alone except for a few months' period on a few occasions. So, not having anyone now or never having anyone in the future doesn't surprise me. I fully expect to live out the rest of my life by myself.

I want in on the answer to this query.

Rootin' for ya, magdalene!

After 3 divorce lawyers, I am sooooooooooo happy being single. I truly love my alone life with my cats. I don't want anyone intruding on that. I might eventually date someone, but no way would I ever marry again. I wouldn't even let someone live with me, do I love the opposite sex, you bet, but not enough to do anything other than date. I have my life, my home, everything just how I like it.

This is a tough one.

I have two friends, 49 and 55, both well educated and very attractive who take good care of themselves, who had/have the same difficulty.

The 49 year old finally met someone at work last year and has been blissfully happy.

The 55 year old (whom some of you met or at least saw photos of at the Chicago Sniffa) is still struggling. She is active in her church and has done more internet dating than I know I could stand, everything from Let's Do Lunch to single get-togethers to Match.com, etc. She is very high energy, loves music and dance (sings in her choir, isn't above a karaoke stint, loves to dance herself and goes to the ballet on a fairly regular basis.) She is attracting either much older men in whom she's not interested, or men only interested in sex, and she wants the whole package, too.

On the flip side, my father-in-law is 65, in good health and fairly good shape, has most of his hair and is basically a self-made man in good financial position. The women here practically fought over him! He's having trouble because he wants someone intelligent that he enjoys spending time with, someone he considers a "good" person and he found her - - - but they want different things. She wants a full blown relationship, he doesn't. Because he's always been the responsible one who took care of everything since he was 19, he's enjoying his freedom and isn't interested in making the compromises necessary for any relationship.

Despite all this, stay positive, stay open. I'm thinking of another friend who met her now very long-time significant other and was hesitant to date him at first, because although they had interests and friends in common, he wasn't the "type" she usually dated. She took a chance and they've been very happy for many years now. He's about 10 years younger than her and while they're in no hurry to marry, their kids and grandkids are pushing them to do so.

Maria, you're a beautiful woman and a kind soul, there's someone out there for you. Good luck!

Magdalene, internet dating is for good looking people, so you should have no problem attracting loads of men. Weeding out the good from the bad will be your job. If you're nervous about dating in general, use some of the "unsuitable" guys for practice dates to take away your nervousness and always remember NOT to think, "Does he like me?" instead, ask yourself, "Do I like him?"

A lot of what you said in your original post you should put in your profile. You need to be very clear what you want and don't want, so make a list to focus your mind. Think back on past relationships to clarify what worked and what didn't.

I believe in the power of intention.

Mags, I'm formulating the answer I want to post for this question, and that will take me some time. (Sometimes I need a bit of mental percolation time.) In the meantime, here's a hug from me:

(((((((((((Mags)))))))))))))

I have things to say on this!! (surprise, surprise) but have my hands full at the moment. I'll be back!!

I've been married for 7 years but I recall clearly how hard it was to meet men (marriage-material men, I mean).

Actually, my piece of advice is to be open to meeting and dating men that are not necessarily your type.

I've always made a point of developing hobbies and outside interests and while I often met men who shared my interests, I never met someone who I felt was a ... a soulmate for a lack of a better term.

My dear wonderful, annoying, funny, weird husband is, most days, my soulmate. He's a good friend and a good father. But I can't say he shares all my interests. In fact, I can name more differences than similarities in our relationship. I am a voracious reader, I love people, I am physically athletic, chatty, for instance. He doesn't read, hates people, has only worn running shoes once in his life. He's silent - almost all the time. He's neat. I'm a messy klutz.

If I were to have read a written description of my husband's personality and looks BEFORE I met him, I'd have not bothered to meet him.

I'm sure he'd say the same about me. (Well, maybe not. Haha)

And yet our personalities work, well, sometimes. It's yin and yang .


I think getting involved in various activities where you'll meet men is a great start and just make sure you take off blinders - if you like tall dark handsome men - you might overlook the redheaded freckled guy who is an absolute sweetheart. Sometimes the right guy is out there - he's just hard to see at first.

Good luck!

For me, common interests are less important than compatible daily habits. I'd go mad if I was with someone who was chronically late, very messy or inconsiderate (i.e. noisy if I were sleeping). It would be a daily annoyance, eventually chipping away at the relationship.

Listen............

I'm considering a female roommate to defray the cost of two homes. Female of course!! I'm even wondering if I could STAND that! We're all set in our ways..........we're independent and don't need to think of another person. How in the world could I live with a MAN????
Please.

I'm reading all, with great interest, folks, as I'm sure a few others are.

Keep 'em coming...

I'll respond later. But so far, thank you thank you for your thoughtfulness.

Glo, why not live with a gay guy? The best of both worlds.

Having done this, I have to agree.

I've resisted living with roommates after having tried it. Without sex as the "glue," I think it's difficult to conform your life to mesh with someone else's without some powerful incentive to do so. But my gay roommate was the perfect solution. It was long ago, and it was in SF. We were considerate of each other. We did not clash over the kitchen or boyfriends; in fact, we seemed to try to find points where we meshed rather than contended.

But my original intention still stands...

Be Careful what you ask for.

Make a realistic list and put yourself out there. With focus, it seems alot more doable.

If one lowers her selectivity enough it becomes progressively easier to find someone who will settle for you and for whom you can settle.

Is that really what one wants? It is clear from the hiking scenario, that it is easy to discard men for being too old, too young, too sexual. Painting all men in the area with the brush of looking for sportsbabes or trophy wives...well, if one is being pretty selective oneself, can one blame men for being selective as well?

You are a beautiful, intelligent, and witty person, Maria, but getting married and settling down with someone with whom you cannot relate on deeper levels is not necessarily a good thing--and harder to get out of than into.

I am a terrible person to be giving advice, but I do know from some personal experience and that of some of my nice but not-so-photogenic or well-to-do male friends, that there are plenty of men out there who would like a solid relationship with someone.

Are you aware of any barriers you may have placed to allowing yourself to meet potentially marriageable men? Just as important, are those barriers ones are no longer useful or helpful? I am NOT saying that it is bad to be selective--not at all, but a clearer view of one's own selectivity may allow for a better mix of potential mates.

I doubt I have told you anything you didn't already know, but best wishes!

Are YOU KIDDING ME????

Get real. I don't NEED to have somebody in my house unless I'm in love with them and want them as a significant other. I'm not needy.
It's fine to have a gay friend, but not one that lives with me.
I was thinking of having a friend (woman) live with me in a room mate situation because I've got two houses and she is looking for a less expensive place to live. I'm thinking that that would still be difficult.


As far as Tambri's remarks. She has a friend still "struggling with this"....????? Quit struggling and let go. If it's supposed to happen............it'll happen.
I know the ones of you who have had all this wonderful destined events with internet dating but............
NOT FOR ME.
I'm very picky.............I will not settle. You can't force yourself to like someone and they'd have to be what I'm looking for.

It is normal to feel lonely sometimes when you are alone but to feel lonely when you are with someone is tragedy. Please do not "settle". The answer to contentment is almost always not another person.

I'd open the aperture a bit wider. What you want is companionship and financial security. Why set your goal as getting married? The universe, God, however you see it...can provide for that need in ways you may have not even thought of. While there is alot of good in knowing what you would prefer, I think you can get into trouble when you have a "goal" of getting married. I had that goal, and it blinded me to certain things. I had a brief, very difficult marriage and then the fallout from having made such a big mistake.

Nowadays I'm working on the financial part by getting a degree and a stronger skill set and I happily cohabitate with someone without worrying about the future of us. He can't physically support me and we don't plan to get married but I'm totally content. Go figure. And no, I don't feel like I've "settled" unless that feels very peaceful and happy.

The only way I'd live with a man is to marry him but that's just me. I wouldn't ever marry a man just for money. To me that's just another word for prostitution BUT..........I wouldn't marry without it at this point.

This needs to be on a giant billboard in every town.

[quote name='PerfumeMe' date='Mar 30 2008, 02:53 PM' post='353365']
Magdalene, internet dating is for good looking people/]

Not necessarily, (although it can't hurt.) I know at least two women, both of a certain age and neither one beauty-contest material, who have met men and have entered into very satisfactory long-term relationships, through internet dating sites. Neither couple has married,k but that seems to be their choice. One of the men, is very good-looking, in the George Clooney, Cary Grant style and both are very prosperous.

There'a a WHOLE LOT of men around that just want somewhere to PUT it and someone to be their mommy. They don't want to commit but they'll ride it till the wheels come off or something better comes along.
There's no way I'd invest time and emotions on some yahoo who doesn't promise me anything. I'd hate myself later. Like I say...........that's just ME!

Because women make it so easy for men these days...............they don't need to commit. There's plenty of women who just want a man in their bed.

I am with a man I have known for 25 years. We love each other very much. That said, he sometimes infuriates and drives me to the edge of thinking that the world would be better off in absence of the opposite sex entirely. We each have our own home. A couple of miles apart. Marriage was a suffocatingly negative experience for me both times.
I am a strong believer in creative visualization also, but please take care, a year is an extraordinarily short amount of time to get to really know someone. I had known my second husband for a year when we married. And six months into the marriage I witnessed (for the very first time) his violent, frightening rage.
Tred carefully into this mine field.

She's telling the truth. DATE a LOOONG time. Don't be too hasty. MORE will be revealed over time.

Okay. I finally have the time to respond properly to this thread. Sorry for the delay!

I'm going to assume that you have considered the whole "why get married at all?" scenario and rejected it as ultimately unsatisfying and somehow not what you want. You do truly sound like you want to be a married person, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. I've been married twice and there are certain benefits (many of them social and psychological, but nonetheless real) to being married as opposed to cohabiting. These bennies are more important to some than to others, and that's fine.

I am not bragging or exaggerating when I say that I have never dated a man who didn't want to marry me after a very short time. I've been in five long term relationships, and all five men have either proposed or expressed a desire to propose in the future. Mind you, a couple of these relationships occurred when I was quite overweight. My present (and, I like to say, final) husband married me when I was 340 pounds.

But aren't men supposed to be lookist? Yeah. But clearly there's more to this whole relationship thing than meets the eye.

You're going to hate--HATE--what I'm about to say. (And you won't be alone.) But here goes:

I learned a tremendous amount about the male animal when I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Now, before I get flamed, I read it many years ago, and there is certainly no paucity of passages in the book that I would likely now find to be, um, simplistic at best. Having said that, I still learned from it. I learned that men are waaaaaay more sensitive than we give them credit for being, and that the ego-stroking that many women raised in a post-feminist world find to be absurd and demeaning is actually vitally necessary for many men. It is said about teaching that for every negative comment you make, you need to make 12 positive ones to make up for it in the mind and ego of a child. Men (and women, for that matter) are really just overgrown kids.

Here's how I knew that the author was on to something: Because of the way my mother and father had always gotten along. When I was growing up, my mother was forever saying things about my dad (in his presence) that were complimentary. Examples: "Your father has such great legs. It's a pity to hide them." "Isn't he the cutest thing?" "Oh, aren't you thoughtful. Thank you, darling." FOR REAL. Every day. But somehow, I never internalized this way of dealing with a mate until much later, after I read the book. Then it all came together. The one valid point that the author makes is pointing out the differing things that motivate men and women, and why.

To this day, I try to be very, very careful with the battles I pick and the things that I say to Mr. Diva. He is extraordinarily sensitive in many ways, and I respect that. I am very sensitive in my own ways as well, and he is remarkably respectful of my many emotional quirks.

Anyhoo, that all has more to do with maintaining a relationship. Attracting a relationship in the first place is where to start. And here, I'll quote my mother again (wise woman that she was): Things have a way of working out the way we want them to, whether we think we want it or not. Meaning, of course, that when you're really ready for something to happen, you will create the environment in which it CAN happen. If you really want to get married, you will put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable and emotionally available. You'll be willing to make the compromises necessary to maintain a relationship, and somehow they won't feel like compromises, but rather just what people who are together do. You'll look your best each day, you won't skip a day showering (that comes later) and you'll smile and look men in the eye and let them blather on about themselves (at first) so that you are later described as a charming conversationalist. It's been my experience (and this is MY experience; no flames, please) that a man need to feel like he's attractive to you before he'll BE attracted to you for more than things from the neck down. (Not that the animal lust factor isn't a good thing, but it is fleeting. Mr. Diva and I were ridiculous early in our relationship that way. It's almost embarassing now!)

I hope that things work out for you the way you want. Sorry for the long ramble!

As someone who has had four long terms ( two of them marriages) I was stymied for a response. I kept wracking my mind tryig to think of some wisdom to share with Mags but nothin , just blank. I seem to just fall into relationships when I least expect to , and even when I point blank do not want them.

Deeve , your mother's quote pretty much nails my life , my relationships , everything.

I agree with Altodiva. Because I subconsciously do what she recomends, my problem is getting rid of the ones I don't want. I hate to hurt anyone's feelings. I had to dump someone recently who didn't get my more subtle hints that this would never be anything more than friendship. I'd rather be dumped because I know I am strong and can learn from the experience and meet someone better. When I dump someone, I feel guilty even though it was the right thing to do.

Nothing about relationships is easy!

I'm afraid I have no wise advice to offer. Everyone is different, with different expectations and experiences. Maria, I'm sure you'll meet someone as fabulous as you are, and he will be worth the wait.

I wish it was easier.

Glo, I think it used to be easier when people lived closer to their original relatives and friends and had a natural social circle in which to meet people and into which to bring new people met outside the circle. There was some grounding and safety in being able to invite home a new acquaintance on a friendly basis, perhaps in a small get-together with other friends, and get to know people naturally. Today many families and friends have moved far apart and you're on your own for meeting people you don't know in places that can be impersonal. I find that's what makes it harder.

Maria,
I can't give much advice because I had a relationship for a lengthy amount of time that could be probably be described as the tragedy Estrajean mentioned in her reply.
After the end of that relationship, I was single for about seven months before I met my fiance. Those were some very lonely months.
I am so hapy now. This sounds totally dorky, but I think after 44 years, I finally may have met my perfect match. He is so compatiable with me, it's almost freaky.
You are a very pretty woman, Maria, so I'm sure there are men out there that would fall over themselves trying to date you. I think you're just going to have to date and sort~ ALOT (!) to find someone that can make you happy. Good luck to you. ((Hugs))

If you're considering where to go to find men, consider Alaska. Lots of men, and less women.

I didn't have time to read the whole thing, but it might be helpful:

http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/re...ion/000440.html

As a follow up........I don't know that it's helpful, but I do agree with Glo in that there is an element of letting go. I've told my friend that she can analyze and put her action plan into place all she wants, but people and emotions don't necessarily work the way your action plan does. I do think when the time is right, things happen.

I guess the same applies to me. I was single for 13 years before I remarried, and when DH told me how he felt, my response (since I'd recently broken up with someone else) was "I don't need this right now!"
Turns out I may not have "needed" it, but it was the best thing that happened to me in a very long time.

I find it is much easier to be respectful of their sensitivities (which can be seen as childish sometimes) if they are respectful of yours. Frankly it's a rare man who takes note of your quirks, respects them, and endeavors to take them into account. I am still taken aback when this happens with Mr. Teacake.. I don't expect it and yet he seems to do it so effortlessly.

So being of the male persuasion I agonized over a response for a while and then I read Alto's post and things got a bit easier, because what she said is spot-on. IMHO she's right to pick her battles, and Mrs. T and I do the same.

But this part goes just a bit further, and it's a sweeping generalization so it doesn't apply to all. But it's a start.

Of course, you have love. I certainly hope marriages start with love, Although I have certainly been in love before and not had things lead up to marriage. I've met and dated a few where I thought "We could make a great life together" Things however didn't pan out. There have been a few reasons for this, and of course they vary here and there on both sides of the table.

Some guys figure they're in love and the rest will take care of itself. Good for them. I happen to think that they are a bit younger, but more power to them.

I was more sensitive to other issues outside of love, and eventually I found happiness with Mrs. T, and I'll tell you a few things that occurred to me while considering marriage.

I am myself with her, and her quirks are not incompatible with mine. We do the funny voice thing, the odd expressions, the Brit speak. We spent lots of time making each other laugh and that was fantastic.

I trust her. She trusts me. We're both outgoing, confident people, but at the same time we've shared our doubts and fears. There's always time for concerns and doubts and supporting each other, and this is kind of big.

You see, there are lots of confident, self-sufficient people out there. And it's both attracting and intimidating for a man to see total self-reliance in a potential partner. On the one hand: "Hey, she's got it together". On the other hand "Is there a place for me? Where do I fit in?" If a guy can't figure where he's needed, it makes him uncertain and start to drift away to someone more needy. Someone for whom he can play knight in shining armor.

Now that generalizes in a big way and it's by no means complete or applicable to all males. But there's always that nagging uncertainty that lots of guys have. Some are completely fine with it, but that would be your extraordinarily confident male. Or a narcissist looking for a trophy wife in which case *of course* she needs him (or his pocketbook).

So, part one is this: Be vulnerable once in a while. Drop your guard. Lean on him. Let him take care of you, once in a while.



Part two is a bit more underhanded. Scarce resources are highly sought-after. So be unavailable. Miss a week from your group activities. Cancel a lunch date. Whatever. But don't make yourself completely available all the time or there's no impetus to act on his part. Of course one wishes things between people didn't work this way but sometimes they do. So if you've not tried this, be scarce and make someone miss you.

So those are my rambling, pre-dinner thoughts (Hemingway might have wrote on an empty stomach but I don't care for it). Hope they make sense and ring true.

Single for 7 mos? That's NOT very long.

Yes, agree, 7 months would have been a walk in the park for me. Lonely? Heck. After years, you just get numb. But Lisa, I admire your getting out there and finding what you wanted.

I am very appreciative of all your responses and the time you are generously spending on thinking of just the right words. There is a lot of thought being put into this thread, and you can all be proud of yourselves. This is a stellar POL effort, IMO... you are all being very kind and honest.

When all is entered, you can bet I will be printing out this thread and saving it and rereading it.

Now, if any of you have someone in mind for me, send him on over...!! ;)

No, not THAT long at all, but still seemingly a long, long time to me after coming out of a 17 yr. relationship. Finding men to date after that length of time with one person was a real trip. I met five men from online sites. The first two of the lot were pleasant enough and I went out with each of them more than once. The third guy was really sweet, but we decided we lived too far apart to try and pursue a relationship. We have remained online friends, though. The fourth guy before I met my fiance.....oh man, how do I describe him? An egotisical jerk. Anyone that tells you how large their ###### is over a lunch date, isn't exactly 'christian' (his profile said he was a christian that has a ball in life!) or looking for a long term relationship, I don't think. :( Then I met my sweetheart. Ahh, life can be good!

Agree completely-- I think of this often when I read women's singles threads-- How is saying "he won't play like I want to play so I'm taking my toys and PLAYING ALONE! GOOD-BYE! *footstomp*" any less childish than a guy who wants some amount of validation and maybe a little food from time to time. Not saying there aren't "takers" of both sexes to be found everywhere of course.

And I completely agree that we get what we want.

I think if I wanted to marry, I'd try that eHarmony site, crazy founder and all, just because it's got this cultural cachet as a place where people who are serious about marriage try to meet people.

As the saying goes, "In Alaska, the odds are good but the goods are odd!"

I've told the above to unhappily single friends over the years and their response: "I refuse to play games." So they end up playing solitaire.

I agree with you about needing someone to laugh with. How else will you get through the bad times together?

I only know one man from Alaska, and indeed, he is odd!!!