You all give such sound advice that I thought perhaps you might consider a problem of mine. It is a relatively small problem, but I'm tired of obsessing over it. Here is the problem:

My husband and I were invited to eight weddings between May and October. All eight weddings are for close friends and family. My husband purchased a new charcoal gray suit to be worn at all eight weddings and I intended to wear the same deep red cocktail dress (with different accessories) to all eight weddings because money is a bit tight. We have a wedding coming up in September and the bottom of the invitation reads "black and white attire requested". I have a black gown that I wear to some fundraising events, but I fear it may be to formal, so I borrowed a dress from a friend. My husband, however, is another matter. He is very tall, and therefore can't borrow a black suit from a friend. Do you think he could get away with the dark charcoal suit if he wears a black and white patterned tie?

Around these parts, people usually give a gift of $200 per couple. I have also already spent $50 on a shower gift and will have to get a hotel room on the night of the wedding as it is out of town. My husband would rather not buy or rent a suit for the occasion, but will if that is what he should do. So, what do you think he should do?

With gratitude,
Noelle

Charcoal suit, black and white tie sounds fine to me. I would even be comfortable with the suit and *any* tie, to be honest.

No need to rent or buy a suit.

I agree, a charcoal suit is perfectly fine. Someday when finances are better, you may consider investing in a black suit - I have found that they end up serving lots of purposes over the years for a man. You can get a very nice one for $200 at the Nordstrom's Rack and it certainly beats having to rent a tuxedo repeatedly.

better to go, support and love the couple. Charcoal is black & white. Your absence would be a bigger issue than a flexible interpretation of the dress code. IMO

Yes, wear the charcoal. It will be perfectly fine. Charcoal is almost black, really.

Furthermore, I come from the same "parts" as you do, and $200 per couple is an obscene amount of money to expect to be given at a wedding. I do NOT subscribe to the "we have to cover the cost of our dinners" bulls***. The reason well-raised people invite other people to weddings is because they want their friends to share in their happiness, and gifts are a pleasant surprise. Only the most mercenary and ill-mannered people rate their guests by the income that they will generate. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

What I would do in your shoes is give an actual gift rather than money. Shop around a bit and find a wonderful clock, piece of crystal, what have you, and as soon as you find one that's pretty and that's a good deal, buy eight of them. There is no need to bankrupt your young family in order to attend these weddings. Moreover, they can point to an actual object 20 years from now and say that "Noelle gave us that for a wedding gift." They won't be pointing to a cancelled check, I can tell you that.

If anyone argues with you, send them to me.

A dark suit is always appropriate for any wedding. You can dress it up with a very formal white shirt and dark tie (I wonder if a white silk tie with a white shirt would look good). If the wedding is in the evening and specifically says "black tie", then a tuxedo is required, but honestly I would hope that the bride and groom are more interested in having you attend, dressed nicely, than not attend at all due to arbitrary dress code restrictions.

The charcoal suit will be perfect....much nicer than a black lounge suit. The shirt and tie in black and white sound great too!
Charcoal is so close to black, but more flattering to most skin tones!!

How I miss those big Jersey weddings! Enjoy and the charcoal suit will look wonderful.

Thank you all for your input. I thought the charcoal gray suit would be just fine, but my husband was not easy to convince. He's so tall that it is unlikely he'd ever go unnoticed, so it worried him to deviate from the dress code. I also did not mean to cry poverty in my post. We do have the money to buy or rent a suit, but we have life goals that dictate that we create a stick to a budget. We created a separate bank account to cover the costs of these weddings, and this dress code was unexpected.

Altodiva, I agree with you in theory, we just don't have the guts to do it. We were speaking to some friends who will also be attending this wedding, and they told us that people no longer just "cover their plates", they provide a "cushion" of at least fifty dollars in the gift! Well, we won't be doing that! People are too caught up in image these days, and I guess my husband and I are just not above it.

Thanks again,
Noelle

Hey Deeve, I guess you met my SIL. To a T you described her.

Noelle, it sounds like you will have a whilrwind season of celebration!!

I remember when all of our friends and my husband's many cousins and siblings had their wedding showers, weddings, and then baby showers. We are all in the same age group and it just happened all together in a short period of time. Sometimes I felt annoyed or overwhelmed with all of the gifts and occasions, but I abruptly stopped when someone reminded me that someday, I'll be going to funerals and wakes with the same frequency.

Yes, Isabella, it really has been a wonderful time in our lives despite the cost. As I mentioned, these are all close friends and family members and I really do feel blessed to have these people in my lives. In re-reading my above posts I realized I "sound" more put out than I actually do feel. Also, I'm lucky to have a wonderfully romantic relationship with my husband and these weddings have become fantastic dates for us.

-Noelle

Noelle, even if you wore jeans, they'd be lucky to have you there! Have fun! I'll bet your husband won't be the only one there in charcoal grey.

Thank you so much!

-Noelle

Aw, sweetie. I'm glad you and your husband are having nice dates with these weddings. I'm just feeling a bit mother hen-ish with you. It really gets my hackles up when weddings are treated like mass extortion ceremonies instead of solemn events.

My mother always stressed to me that a wedding was a party hosted by the family. If you can't afford to give the kind of party you want, you don't ask other people to pay for your party--you change (or downsize) the party you're planning. Expecting other people to fork over to cover your big bash indicates to me that that couple is not ready to face the realities of marriage in the first place. Mature people do not bankrupt themselves for one party. Grrrrr.

*rant over*

No problem! We all need to rant sometimes. I appreciate your input.

Love,
Noelle

Thanks, babe. I'm just your other mother, that's all......

I don't know where in NJ you are, but get thee to Flemington and visit the Waterford/Wedgewood factory outlet in Liberty Village. You can save a bundle there and everyone knows that Waterford isn't cheap. While their selection is somewhat limited, they have bowls and vases that don't have to be matched to anyone's crystal pattern. I've done this for years.

Isn't charcoal "light black" anyway. Go and have fun, no one will even notice the difference!!

My favorite thing to give for weddings is a handmade bowl or other functional ceramic (or glass) that coordinates with the tableware the couple has registered for. Unique, and not necessarily costly.