Ahem. I met a very well put together guy a bit younger than me a few days ago. Of course I went into this pursuing friendship only...and I'm still operating this way...but I really like him. He's 20 and I'm almost 27. I really like him because he seems quite mature for his age, and he has a huge heart. Just a very caring, all around nice guy. But I want to go about this in the right way because I want to at least keep him as a friend. I definitely kept my distance on our little "date" (the second half of which was spent at a haunted house type thing with his friends) and he was respectful of me. We had a good connection I think. He seems like he wants to hang out with older people. He's gay and has a bunch of friends his age and he really doesn't indentify with alot of them. In fact he moved back to his home town because he got tired of the constant partying. He's just a really cool, very quirky, funky, off the wall kinda guy. You guys should've seen his outfit, it was too cute. He had on tight jeans and boots, a green camo shirt and a red Member's Only jacket. I just love individual style...there's so much self expression. I've never met a guy like this before, and I'm shocked that he's as young as he is. I wasn't like that at 20. What do I do?

I've dated up and down, so I've been on both sides of the age fence. I'd say keep it light and proceed with, if not caution, then circumspectly. Of the two of you, you will be the one counted on to be the stabilizing influence, at least that's the usual assumption and the one that's safest to make this early on. Often, and again I'm speaking in generalities since I'm not a 900-number Psychic Friend, it's assumed that the younger half is more likely to skitter off after a certain period of time. It's safe, I think, to offer the advice to be prepared for that, too.

The barriers I encountered in broad age differences (anywhere from 9 to 32 years), is that it's difficult for both to survive the adverse attitudes of friends, family, and sometimes the public. It depends, however, how tight both of you are and how you act when together. In my case, as an attractive woman involved either with a much younger man or a much older one, people made rude assumptions.

I don't think that in your situation that's as likely to happen. Twenty-seven is not so noticeably much older! I'm certain you are both attractive young men, should not be a problem.

I guess I really don't see that as much of an age difference. Neither of you are teenagers and you are both in your twenties. There is a six year age difference between my BIL and his partner and it has never been an issue for them, their friends or their families. Come to think of it, my husband is six years older than me. Lol! What's more important than the age difference is whether or not you and the man you are interested in are "at the same place" in your lives. I agree with Magdelene that you should proceed cautiously because this is an issue that obviously concerns you a bit, and at any rate, it's probably best to proceed cautiously in all relationships so as not to have our hearts too easily broken.

I say spend time together and enjoy yourselves. If there is a significant enough chemistry between the two of you your relationship will deepen in time.

-Noelle

In my experience, having had long relationships with three much older people (16 years, me very green) and one fairly younger person (30-24), age is sometimes relevant, but character much more so. My younger ex's and my issues with one another were in part due to age and life experience, also in part, and most importantly due to character and worldview; he turned out to be very inflexible, intractable, closed-minded, unwilling to meet people half-way, in a manner that could be attributable to being "green" (and culturally sheltered), not really having dated or being used to compromise, but that I ultimately attribute to him being himself. There were factors of language and cultural barrier at play as well. When I analyse the problems, it was ultimately outlook and character at odds that created them. In my relationships with older people, one in particular was absolutely unproblematic in questions attributable to age; he taught and shared with enthusiasm without condescension, I soaked it up and shared what came my way with equal enthusiasm and it was always gladly received. His friends were sometimes a problem for us as they were often bitter people sliding into middle age and always around at the record store he owned and ran. I have, however, had a much older man expect me in certain ways to be far older than my years, then when I asked him what he was like in that regard at my age, he sniggered, "Even worse!" Sometimes the things people expect are deeply rooted in their timely reactions to things as individuals in a generation or segment of one (ex. Atari vs. Nintendo Xers) and they learn that that is not universal over time; sometimes they become more intractable over time. But I ultimately think that if you are both wise, kind, emotionally healthy people who truly like and respect one another, combinations of which were lacking on both sides in all of the relationships I have described, the bumps in the road due to age may pose a bit of struggle and fuss, but will be absolutely surmountable and you will enrich one another greatly. Please let me know if you want the opinion of a 40-year-old engaged to a 20-year-old.

Thanks so much for all your replies!

I texted him at 445 today...was that a bad move? I really don't know what I'm doing. Haha.

Clay, my son is gay and he is 40 and dated a younger man. There was a little more than seven years difference from what you are experiencing and I was also married to a man who was 10 years younger than me. Personally, in my case, the 10 years younger made no difference at all. As a matter of fact, I felt in many ways that he was much older in thinking and spirit than I was so that wasn't a big deal. In my son's case, though it did seem to matter. So, it is hard to say..........I don't think it is always about age, but more about maturity.

Friends of mine were 11 years apart - the problem was that the younger person had very little dating experience and, after 7 years of living together, she decided that she had spent her formative years with him and hadn't had the chance to date other guys and see what she really wanted in life. He was ready to settle down and she just wasn't, and part of the reason she wasn't, was because she had spent the time one would use to experiment as a young person in an intense commited relationship. So it was pretty heartbreaking on the older guy when she left him - he wanted to get married and have children by that time, and she wanted to date around.

The difference between 20 and 27 is greater than the difference between 27 and 34, say. Not saying it can't work, just keep it in mind.

My own take is that age differentials matter least in the middle years, matter more early and later on, when health and retirement issues kick in. The couple that was fine at 30 and 45, or 45 and 60, can start to bump up against it when it's a vigorous 55 at his/her career peak, married to a retired 70-year old with health problems who wants companionship at home or to travel.

Life has no guarantees, however, and affection and commitment can whether any situation.

Oh, no! 4:44 would have been a much better idea.

And you DOOOOO know what you're doing (and so does he, he's not 12).

So far this is a good and thoughtful thread. Full of thought. Earlier I posted some of the difficulties I've experienced. There are, of course, good stories, as has been shown here. My grandmother married for the second time, in the late 1940s, to a man 16 years her junior. She was 50, he was 34 (though, in truth, he thought she was only 44, a subterfuge she maintained until the day he died). She was not beautiful, but she had style and great intelligence. (He, however, was a gorgeous man right to the end.) At first she tried to scare him off. "You're too young." His response: "I was born old."

They had a wonderful marriage until he passed away in his sleep at 65.

WOW! That must have taken some creative suberterfuging.

I prefer men around ten years younger. Men my age or older have usually let themselves go.

My BIL is almost 10 years younger than my sister At first meeting, she liked him, but debated whether or not to even go out for coffee with him. She did and the rest is history. He has always acted much older than his real age so I don't notice the difference between them at all, actually. My fiance is younger than me. Not by much, but I'm starting to think that I missed out on some really good men by not looking younger. Good luck, Clay! He sounds pretty cool.

It started in WWII, when my grandmother, divorcing my grandfather (for good reason), needed a job. The best one she could find (for naval air base) required that she be 5 years younger. Back then, birth certificates weren't always available (she was born at home on a small Texas farm) and so ID not always verifiable or traceable. She falsified her age on driver's license, etc. to get the job.

She also looked about 10 years younger than her age. At 98, she was still attractive.

So, not a lot of subterfuge... just allowing a small deception to continue and looking the part.

I'm no spring chicken here. But I always in the past used to date older than I guys. I have been with my current partner, Phil, now for over 13 years, working on the 14 year. There is a 21 year age difference between the two of us.

We've had our ups and downs and it is just like any relationhip, it takes work to make it work. No one is perfect. You take all the good things with the bad and you make do. You discover what is most important in the person you're with and you love those qualities. That's what I do. I know some that might not even venture to think of doing that. "You don't flush the toilet again, you're outta of here!" LOL! Some people are very petty and selfish and just "non-committal" in this life for very petty reasons. Like I said relationships are work and they can be the best things one can have in this life and sometimes some folks are not cut out for a relationship and that's okay too. We're all different types of individuals in this life experience.

I would take Mags advise, continue on casually with this guy and proceed with caution. Some younger people can surprise one if you just give them the chance. But I can understand the apprehension you may feel but the feeling of excitement and "I just can't wait to see this person again" feeling. It's very strong and very cool and scary all at once.

I understand those feelings of excitement very well and still do here even though I'm in a committed relationship. They are those same feelings one has when they make friends with an awesome individual which in my life doesn't happen that often anymore. I sure do miss not having any real true blue friends in my life. I sometimes think that it's me and maybe I just do not want what I think I want. Reason why I don't have any long term good friends at all. I know quite a few people but not very well. Oh well, such is life for moi.

Definitely do not turn away this possible friendship/relationship. Have fun with where it's going and whatever happens, happens. It's okay if it doesn't work out, if it does and if it does progress into something more, than GREAT! There is nothing lost if you don't at least try. Better to try than not to.

I wish you the best, Clay.

I'd definitly date younger men. It not that I need them to act older. It's that I haven't grown up yet and can't stand men my age usually because they act like fuddy duddy's. Gimme a younger man!!

I hear ya, sister! Men die about ten years sooner than women anyway. We need to even things out!

That's been my experience. Except that down here even a lot of the 30 somethings fall into that category too. Unless they're gay.

My age range is I'll date someone 19 years younger to 22 years older than myself. Of course I'm married, so I can't exactly put my dating rule into practice. My hubby is 3 years younger than I am, and he is the only person younger than myself that I have dated. When I was 21, my boyfriend was 42, but before we actually were introduced, he thought I was 29 and I thought he was 29 and we didn't realize the age difference until we actually went out together and talked.